WebMD Says I’m Gonna Die

The life of a hypochondriac is not classy whatsoever.  If I feel a tingling sensation in my hand then I think automatically I have Multiple Sclerosis or if a tickle creeps up the back of my throat it is automatically HPV induced throat cancer from eating bad pussy.  The more time that I spend frantically scrolling through the articles on WebMD the more I see the same symptoms recurring for every malignity which ails mankind.   If your last shit was a little uncomfortable WebMD says  your rectum is literally about to explode in an atomic blast of guts and shit.  So naturally when you’ve discovered any symptom you choose the worst from the myriad of causes.  Most of them include:

  •   Weird looking Moles:  Last Christmas while I was changing I noticed a mole on my leg that just didn’t look right.  I looked down at a mole on my leg to what looked like a little black nob growing out of the cuticle of the hair.  I literally felt this weight fall into the pit of my stomach.  WebMD said that it was a symptom of skin cancer.   I scheduled a thing with my doctor for it to be biopsied and when I went in she took a quick look at and said it was absolutely nothing but I insisted she do a biopsy.  The results came back as she had predicted and there was nothing wrong with it.
  • Retarded Pimples: While working I was working at Sony I somehow reached to the back of my neck and found a little nodule or something growing on the back of my neck. WebMD said that it was a tumor.  I completely freaked out in the middle of work and ran outside to call my doctor.  I frantically waited on the line for thirty minutes just to get through to him.  He told me to come in and see him.  He took one look at the little thing and said, “It’s just a pimple!”
  • Spit Stones: So apparently the salivary ducts under your tongue sometimes get so backed up with juice that the saliva calcifies and makes stones. When you find a tiny bump at the floor of your mouth  WebMD says it is cancer. Apparently this is super common and the dentist will look at you funny when you leave work to have him look down into the floor of your mouth.
  •  Inner Thigh workouts:  When I was hitting the gym everyday I started doing these super leg workouts.  There is this  muscle that runs all the way up the length of your thigh and ends right at the groin.  When you hurt that muscle it literally feels like you are having pain in your balls. WebMD, of course says: ball cancer. It was like the doctor saw right through that problem in a second, prescribed me some rest and it was all gone.

So the moral of the story is you can’t believe everything you read on the internet.

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