If There is a God Either Unchain Me or Kill Me

It’s midnight and I have an electric toothbrush in my mouth when my phone rings.  It’s a facetime from my friend Charles.  He calls me late at night because he is in India.  He is just about to wake up while I am getting ready for bed. I answer the call before I spit out my toothpaste into the sink.

I was expecting to see Charles yet looking back at me from the digitized screen is a short half naked Indian man.

“Hello,”  He says in a thick Indian accent.  I spit the toothpaste into the sink letting it drip down in long salivated strands (a good first impression.)

“Hello,” I say.

Then I see Charles poke his head into the screenshot.  He is smiling.  smiling with a full set of ivory white teeth.

He throws his arm around the old Indian man and pulls him in.
“Dave, I would like to introduce you to my Father in Law,”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Uncle,” I tell him.

note:  Whether or not you are related, Indians call their elders Auntie or Uncle. (I get a huge kick out of this.)

The last time Charles was in India he brought home a wife.  The trouble was Charles had fallen on hard times so travel was difficult. It had been almost three years since he had been able to visit his family in law. This was a long overdue trip.  Apparently its has been quite adventuresome too.  He starts recounting all these stories about meeting Bollywood stars, gorgeous Indian models, Run ins with Gangsters, trudging through the Jungles and he even said he met a King.

“Miss you,” he said, “Next time you’ve GOT to come out with us brotha.”

We said our goodbyes and hung up.   He stuck with me though as I trudged off to bed.  In fact he stuck with me even AFTER I went to bed.  That night I had dreams I was out there roughing it up in the Jungle with a machete, hunting Tigers and banging Indian models and kicking it with Kings.

I woke up again to the sound of an alarm clock.  I think that was one of the most depressing awakenings ever.  I’ve never wanted to fall back asleep in my life.  I pulled my clothes on grudgingly and went off to my hum drum job as a wage slave.  Wishing I the resources to have gone to India.

Jesus Fucking Christ.  My youth is slipping away and I haven’t been to Asia, I haven’t ridden on an elephant and I haven’t banged an Indian super model.

If there is a God either unchain me or kill me.



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